Junior Prom was a Drag

“Mom, can I go to the prom in drag?”

I’m adding that question to my list of “Things I never thought I’d be asked as a parent”. Parenting is both the most challenging and the most rewarding job I could ever imagine.  I wouldn’t want to be doing anything else at this time in my life, yet sometimes I’m completely stumped by the situations that arise while raising these humans under my care.  Especially this cute one. 

My mom and I were talking the other day and she mentioned that a friend of hers, who follows me on social media, asked her if there was anything that I wouldn’t allow my kids to do.  I knew what she was referring to and I’ve been thinking about her comment ever since.  Without the convenience of face to face conversations, social media can be a breeding ground for hasty assumptions and naive judgements.  I may be reacting to feeling a little of that, but I also understand how those assumptions and judgements could be easily made, especially when that crucial face to face conversation is missing. As I’ve shared before, I truly believe that the more we share our stories and experiences, the better able we are to understand and love one another.  It’s in that vein that I’m sharing the story behind the opening question and how it all went down. (A face to face conversation, if you will, via a blog post)

For those of you who aren’t familiar with drag, this explanation fits Erik’s fascination with drag pretty closely.   From Ryan Roschke’s article Sashay Through the History of Drag Queens, “In the 21st century, a drag queen is not just a man who wears women’s clothes; a drag queen is an entirely separate entity. When so impeccably dressed and flawlessly painted, the person underneath the queen disappears almost completely. Oftentimes, I’ve heard drag performers describe their personas as though they were another person. They’ve plunged their hands deep down into their own psyches and pulled out the weirdest, fiercest, and most theatrical parts of themselves, then mashed them together to form something new. A character. An alter ego. A super-“she”-ro, if you will.”

Along with most of mainstream teenage, young adult, and LGB culture, Erik is a huge fan of RuPaul’s Drag Race.  He absolutely loves the potential that Drag affords someone to completely transform themselves from a man into an entirely different persona using the art of makeup, wigs, and clothing. He’s even written some excellent papers on the history of drag for his AP English class this year. While his friends spend their free time at voice lessons, taking photos, and sketching, Erik has been practicing his makeup skills weekly for several years during his spare time.  Despite being used to these transformations, I’m constantly caught off guard when he comes up to me after finishing his makeup because he always looks like a completely different person.

So about a month ago, after school one day, Erik came into my room as I was working on the computer and asked me,

“Mom, can I go to the prom in drag?” 

I looked up and immediately my mom-brain went into overdrive as all of the worst-case scenarios played out in my mind.  Growing up in the 80s, the best case scenario for going to the prom in drag would have been getting punched in the face by an ultra masculine jock and coming home early.  Worst-case? I didn’t even want to imagine.  So I took a deep breath and told him to let me think about it and I’d get back to him.  I needed time to figure out a way to say “no” gently that he would understand.

Immediately I needed to know if and how this has been handled before so I did what any reasonable person in this modern age of technology would do and I turned to Google. I typed in:

What to do when your kid wants to go to the prom in drag 

Shocker! I didn’t come up with much.

That night I casually brought this up with my husband to gauge his reaction. Certainly he would see a problem with it.

“So, by the way, Erik wants to go to the junior prom in drag…”

He looked at me sideways and thought for a minute and said, “Alright”.

I said, “So you’re OK with it?”

He said, “Well, I don’t think anyone is going to be surprised by it.”

And I countered with, “So you’ll be fine showing up at the pre-prom party with our predominantly Mormon friends and their kids with Erik dressed in drag?”

“Absolutely!”  (He’s come a long way in the past couple of years)

Well that wasn’t what I had expected…

As a last ditch effort to find a way to break it to Erik gently, I turned to a few Mama Dragon friends that I knew would give me thoughtful advice, and maybe agree that it wasn’t the smartest idea.  The feedback varied from  “That would never work here in Utah” to “Erik’s a smart kid and he could totally pull this off!”

I was so conflicted.

I sat on this for a week or so thinking and pondering and wondering what to do.  I knew Erik was anxious for an answer so he could start planning for either another faux fur coat and skinny pants or a fabulous dress. So I sat him down one day after school to gather as much information as I could before giving him my final answer.  I asked about why he wanted to attend in drag, we discussed the pros and cons of attending in drag including the possible reactions of other people, the safety precautions I would want him to take, and whether his school even allowed this sort of thing.  I decided that before going any further, he needed to contact the faculty member in charge of prom and get their permission to attend in drag.  It took about 40 minutes for him to send and receive an email with the following exchange:

Well, after exchanging my own emails with her about making sure all chaperones would be on board and her assurance that everyone would do everything to make him feel welcome, and setting some guidelines (he had to choose a modest dress, he couldn’t be over-the-top Drag Race  “extra”, and he had to promise to use the buddy system wherever he went that night), I told Erik that we’d support him attending his junior prom in drag.

Next step, finding that fabulous dress!

Most drag queens sew their own dresses. It’s a pretty important part of the art of transformation. Well, after Erik’s initial plans of sewing his own dress were met with the realization that, despite watching every episode of Project Runway, sewing skills are not gained through television osmosis, we decided to turn to my new favorite resource for all things Gucci-taste-Target-budget… Rent the Runway!  Our criteria for choosing a dress was that it couldn’t be boring, it couldn’t be super expensive, and most importantly, it HAD to have stretch to fit his 6’2” man body.  We looked and looked and couldn’t find anything with all three criteria until we clicked on the “jumpsuit” link and found a perfectly stretchy and fabulously flared-leg green jumpsuit for 40 bucks!  (Did I mention prom fell on St. Patrick’s Day?) Luckily Rent the Runway will send you an alternate size free of charge so we filled our virtual shopping cart with two jumpsuits and crossed our fingers and toes that one of them would fit when they arrived the day before the dance.

In the meantime Erik set to work gathering panty hose, making hip pads (I had no idea that was a thing), setting his wig in hot curlers, and purchasing heels and press-on nails.  The day before prom I was out running errands and I got a text from Erik saying:

“The jumpsuit is here and it fits like a glove!” 

He tried it on for me when I got home and sure enough, it was the perfect fit, hip pads and all.

The day of the prom, Erik had a full day of clients booked for makeup appointments so he did his own makeup in the morning before his first client showed up and proceeded to work all day with a face full of drag makeup.  As soon as the last client left he set to work finishing his look.  Knowing his heels wouldn’t be the most comfortable to dance in, he wanted to bring along a pair of sneakers to change into at the dance.  Ironically he put them in a BYU drawstring bag he got from one of the many summer camps he attended over the years. (That might have been my favorite part of his ensemble). 

Once dressed we headed over to the pre prom party.  I’ll admit I was fairly nervous for him and for us.  Again, my 80s brain kept reverting to scenes from all the John Hughes movies I grew up with.  I was hoping we hadn’t made a huge mistake in our decision.  Luckily, when Erik made his entrance into the party, he was accompanied by his friends and greeted with lots cheering and applause (with the exception of a few predictable sideways glances and puzzled expressions).  But he was immediately absorbed into the crowd of kids for hugs and selfies and photo ops from parents.  Ralf and I stood on the sidelines and observed.  The people we predicted wouldn’t know what to say, didn’t say anything at all.  But the majority of our friends commented on how great Erik looked, how courageous he was, and then proceeded to ask about our plans for spring break and how the family was. 

As the kids were getting ready to leave, we reminded Erik to always use the buddy system, to make sure he had his phone on him at all times, and to text us if he ran into any trouble.  We waved as he drove away with his friends.

I’ll admit that I was a little nervous for the rest of the night but was super relieved when Erik got home around midnight exhausted but having had a great time with no negative reactions and no regrets.  I finally fell asleep that night with a grateful heart.  Grateful that Erik came out early enough in his life that we are able to walk this walk with him a bit before he heads into the world on his own.  Grateful that I have a husband who is as supportive of every person in our family as he is.  That we live in a progressive and safe community that supports kids for who they are and not for what they look like.  And most importantly that Erik is surrounded by friends who support one another without condition and without judgment. They are smart, motivated, kind, friendly, good kids and I couldn’t imagine better people for Erik to have in his life.

So, the answer to my mom’s friend’s question is, yes, there are many things that I wouldn’t allow my kids to do.  But there are also times when those things you initially thought you wouldn’t allow, if handled responsibly and reasonably, become opportunities to change your mind and your attitude.  So the next time you see something on social media and your initial response is to jump to assumptions, just remember that behind every teen drag queen, there might just be parents doing their best to mindfully and thoughtfully raise these fabulous humans.