I got the feeling that I needed to participate in Wendy’s project many times before I actually got up the guts to email her. I kept telling myself – your life is good! Which it is, don’t get me wrong there. But I was touched by the sentiment that life can be good even if we are sharing the not so good parts, better even. There is strength in openness and honesty.
It took us a little under a year to get pregnant the first time. 20 weeks in I was anxiously awaiting our gender reveal and had planned a party that evening with our close friends. My doctor called a few days prior with my second trimester blood screen results that cited a 1/32 chance of some off the wall genetic disorder, told me not to panic, that they would check everything out on Thursday. As we sat through the ultrasound they recorded the extent of the complications, the mention of “it’s a girl” was shared awkwardly without fanfare. They lined up genetic counseling and specialists over the next few months, none of which would end up knowing anything.
Fast forward 19 weeks, I was induced a week early to ensure that the delivery room and NICU would be fully staffed with all the specialists needed for our baby girl, Torrance. I had a c-section and they barely brought her by my face on the way to the NICU. A few hours later they wheeled me upstairs where I was allowed to touch her hand in the minutes before the ambulance arrived to take Torrance to the Children’s Hospital. It wasn’t until two days later, after my discharge from the hospital, that I was able to visit her and hold her for the first time. It wasn’t the bonding experience every new mom pictures. The physical and emotional separation I felt was preparing me as Torrance passed away just shy of three weeks old.
Losing a child has changed how I live and love. At the time I felt like it was a blessing that we didn’t have other children so we didn’t fully understand the grief of what we were missing out on. But I am realizing now that the grief will come throughout our lives as we pass each milestone without her.
Our daughter Colette was born in 2014 by way of IVF Pre-implantation Genetic Diagnosis meaning her embryo was tested for the same disorder Torrance had before they implanted. It was a long process with hundreds of needles to get pregnant, but besides a few extra steps she arrived without complication and is perfect.
I am now 24 weeks pregnant with another baby girl and inevitably those fears creep back in. I avoid talking about my pregnancy even though the doctors assure us that everything is all right.
I’m sure if I was on the other side of this table listening to a friend share these feelings I would
tell her how totally normal and understandable they are. I wonder sometimes why we can’t extend ourselves the same mercy and love that we share with others. Now I would also share how therapeutic it is to verbalize our thoughts and fears in writing, even if they will never be shared, so that we can understand and overcome.
I know that it will turn out okay, but I have learned that it doesn’t always mean it’s okay along the way. One piece of wisdom that has kept me going is “We either make ourselves miserable or make ourselves strong, the amount of work is the same.” I try and remind myself that joy takes just as much effort as fear. All things considered I can choose joy and come out feeling blessed. I am so grateful for the growth that comes from challenges and the continued support of family and friends. I have a supportive husband and a beautiful 18 month old and I will choose to enjoy it.
