Quite Honestly | JENNIFER

Once upon a time, I fell in love with a house. If you’ve happened upon my blog sometime in the past four years, you might have heard of this little 1905 historic home I’ve been restoring. I named it the #1905cottage. You can read about how I fell in love with the home here. When I bought it, I thought I’d grow old in this home, that I would see my children grow up here and that I would welcome my grandchildren into this home. As I sit at my desk looking out my bedroom window on Mother’s Day eve, I see a For Sale sign staked into the lawn.

In a world saturated with blogs and Pinterest, it’s so easy to fall in love with “perfect” images and ideas. I love pretty things as much as anyone. There’s nothing I love more than a beautiful Pinterest page. Sometimes I think it’s easy to get caught up in wanting our lives to reflect those idealistic photos in our feeds. But as I’ve grown older and have experienced more life, I have learned that nobody’s life is perfect. Every single person has struggles. Life is hard. Life can be ugly. I’ve spent the last 8 years sharing the happy, beautiful, fun side of my life on my blog.

Today I want to get real and show you a little more of my not so picture perfect side.  As scary as this is for me, I hope my story will help someone else or at least let you know that life isn’t perfect no matter how it may seem online.

One of the things I fell in love with when I started blogging 8 years ago was the sense of community I found online. This community brought me some of my closest friends.  You see, when I began blogging, I had been suffering from severe depression for many years. I got married when I was 21. I thought my life would turn out just the way I had always imagined it if I just stuck to the plan, stayed on the right path, and did everything right. What I didn’t realize at such a young age is that life doesn’t always go as planned. You can stay on the path, but when other people stray from the path, their decisions can change your life.

This happened to me.

Many years ago, just after I had my second child, I discovered some heartbreaking information that destroyed everything – my marriage, my faith, and my self-esteem. In hindsight, I should have left the marriage then, but I didn’t. I thought I could overcome these revelations through perseverance and the love of my young children. I didn’t want to give up on my marriage so I stood by my husband with hope that things would change.  I did this for many years. We had two more children, I went to church, I volunteered for the PTA, I did everything I was supposed to do but I was drowning. I felt the need to hide what was happening in my marriage from everyone in my life because I was afraid people would judge us and that we wouldn’t be seen as the “perfect” family. Every week I would go to church and feel awful and anxious because I felt I was living a lie. Depression was taking over and I was losing the ability to find joy in my life.

Then, we moved to Utah and my sister encouraged me to start a blog. I found that blogging was an outlet for my creative energy and a way to take my mind off the struggles I was going through. I found friends. I was connecting to people again. I felt energized and creative. I felt like I was contributing something good to the world. I loved that feeling. I read every comment I got and I loved getting to know people from all over the world. I poured my heart and soul into my blog.

Looking back, I can truly say that blogging saved my life.

Then three years ago I found out more heartbreaking information about our relationship and knew this time our marriage had to end. I had to decide whether to stay in the home we had been living in or move to the cottage I had been working on and loved so much. So I made the decision to move into the cottage and add an addition so that there would be room for me and my kids. If I had known how hard this process would be I don’t know if I would have done it. But I was in love with this cottage and all the hard work I had put into it and I really wanted to make my life work there. I struggled trying to find the energy to create things and keep my blog going since it was no longer a hobby but became my job, the way to keep food on the table for my kids and me.

The funny thing about creativity is that it slows way down when you’re sad. I was struggling making it through every day. My mind was on everything but blogging. I was dealing with crushing depression as I felt guilt about ending my marriage. I felt depression as I tried to navigate dating again after 25 years. My self-esteem was at an all-time low after everything that had happened. Over the years control had gradually been taken from me. I no longer had access to or experience with the things that most adults do like balancing a checkbook, paying bills, servicing the car, etc.  I had to learn how to do those things all over again.

 During this difficult time, I began taking anti-depressants which initially made things worse and I began to feel suicidal. I started self-medicating with alcohol – anything to not feel this debilitating sorrow all the time. Over the next few months things got worse and worse until the day of (what would have been) our 25th wedding anniversary, I told my friends I wanted to kill myself and things came to a breaking point.  I got the counseling I desperately needed. I got my medication figured out. I broke a cycle that was truly spiraling toward death.

It’s been a long road. I’ve had some set-backs. But I am so happy to say that I am doing so much better. I’ve rediscovered my creativity. I feel so much happier. I love my blog again. I’m working on repairing the relationships I almost ruined. I made a lot of mistakes. But I’ve learned some of the most important lessons of my life from them. Little by little my self-esteem is improving.

I am taking back my life.

My ex-husband recently remarried and they live in the house we shared for many years. Unfortunately, the cottage is also in that same neighborhood.  As much as I love my cottage and all the work that went into it, selling the cottage and moving seems to be the right choice.  It will allow me a fresh start and give me some distance from the heartache caused by a broken marriage.  It is not easy to begin a new life after divorce.  Living in close proximity to the person I lived with for many years and being constantly reminded of the past. Of past promises that were broken. Of past hopes that have vanished. Is too hard.  I am ready to move forward and heal.

I wanted to stay in the 1905 cottage forever. But for me to move forward with my life, I had to give up that dream. I’ve made the difficult decision to sell the cottage and start over in a new place and create a new future with my kids. When I was so depressed taking this step seemed like too much to handle. But through the love of my family and the support of friends, I know I am strong. Much stronger than I ever thought was possible. After 25 years, I am finally in control of my own life. I can make it anything that I want. I can be happy and make a happy home for my kids anywhere as long as we’re together.

So as I sit here looking out at the for sale sign staked in the yard, I’m sad but I’m also reminded of how strong I am. It’s a symbol of my new life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog and for all of the support I have felt over the past eight years. Sharing this personal story is scary and it makes me vulnerable. But I really felt the need to be authentic and share what has been happening in my life. I hope it might help someone who is going through a hard time in their life. Or give people pause to be empathetic to others who are struggling. I have such hope for the future. I hope you will follow along with me in this new chapter. I think it’s going to be an amazing one!