Quite Honestly | WENDY (me)

Life is unpredictable.  Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, you realize that you really don’t know much of anything.  At least it seems that way at times. 

I’m a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS), or what most people refer to as a Mormon.  I was born and raised in a Mormon home with Mormon parents who had Mormon parents who had Mormon parents, etc…  My Mormon heritage goes back a long way.  If you know anything about our religion, you’ll know that “church” doesn’t happen only on Sundays and special holidays.  We eat, breathe, and live our religion day in and day out.  Mormon culture and Mormon doctrine are ingrained in us from the start. Sometimes it seems we come into this world with a complete Mormon vernacular. I’ve always loved my religion and have had tremendous faith in what is taught.  I’ve clung to the promise that my family can be together after this life when sealed in the temple. What could be better than that? I cherish the tight community of friends that feel like family. I’ve never really had to question any of my beliefs or the doctrine of the church before.

As a teenager, I had a plan typical of most Mormon girls my age; go to BYU, get married in an LDS temple to a nice Mormon boy, settle down and have kids, live the commandments (repent when needed), serve my fellow man, and endure to the end and live together forever with my family. I knew if I followed that scripted path, everything would turn out as perfect as it could be.  The key to this plan was to be married to my husband in an LDS temple so that any kids we had would be sealed to us forever. 

So I did just that.  I got my teaching degree from BYU, married my (newly converted to Mormonism) fiancee, was sealed time and all eternity to him and to our future children in the temple, and have been working on enduring to the end.  We’ve since had four kids and we’ve been raising them in a similar fashion.

If you know anything about Mormonism, you’ll also recall that our church has been in the news recently for a lot of controversy surrounding marriage equality.  The LDS Church strongly supported Proposition 8 in California in 2008 which eliminated the right of same-sex couples to marry.  We lived in Idaho at the time so we weren’t involved in it and only heard bits and pieces from friends. Prop 8 has since been overturned but even more recently the Church initiated a new policy that bans children living with same-sex couples from baby-naming ceremonies and baptisms and declares members in gay marriages to be apostates subject to excommunication.

What does that have to do with me?  Growing up I wasn’t aware of anyone that was gay.   The subject of homosexuality was avoided at home. It seemed to be this taboo “thing” that happened to people like Elton John and Billie Jean King and not something I would ever be exposed to.  As far as I knew, it was a choice people made and certainly not something that a Mormon would ever dare to choose. Since living in the San Francisco Bay area off and on for the past 18 years, I’ve become more familiar with LGBTQ issues but really hadn’t had any personal experiences that would cause me to examine where I stood.    

So when my 15 year-old son tearfully confided in me that he was gay over a year ago, I was faced with an overwhelming internal conflict.  Two things that my life revolves around, my faith and my family, at odds with one another. Here was my sweet, thoughtful, sensitive son that I know and love who faithfully follows every single rule to a T coming to terms with an identity that our church has historically discriminated against and claimed was a choice.  Knowing that if he were to remain an active member of the LDS church, he would have to remain celibate for the rest of his life with no chance of having the love and joys of companionship.  On the other hand, if he were to choose to marry a partner, he would possibly be excommunicated and definitely be denied entrance into the temple to receive the saving ordinances that we’ve been taught are crucial to living with our family in the next life.  I couldn’t imagine the struggle that was going on in his heart.  I told him that it was OK, that I loved him just the way he is, that I didn’t have all of the answers, but that we would figure it out together.  My husband was out of the country at the time and it would be an entire week before he came home and was able to hear the news from our son.  What a relief it was for my son to finally come out to someone but what a long week it was for me. 

I certainly don’t expect anyone outside of the Mormon church to understand the depths of this conflict.  It seems like a simple thing to just leave a church that discriminates in that way. I wish it were that simple.  I’ve done a lot of questioning and searching and reexamining my faith in the past year and a half and I continue to do so.   When I attend church on Sundays, I do so through a new lens.  I see and hear things from a new perspective. I’ve been able to separate what I know from what I’ve assumed is true but really never truly examined to determine what I believed (like homosexuality). I’m sorting through and separating the doctrine of the gospel from the policies and the culture of the institution of the LDS Church. I don’t agree with this most recent policy change.  For a church lead by Christ and that claims the family is central to God’s plan, this is wrong for so many reasons. 

Countless prayers have gone up asking God the same thing, “What do I do? How do I reconcile this?” And the resounding answer, every single time, has been, “Just love him.”  What a beautiful answer.  And isn’t that what Christ would do?   I have peace that somehow everything will work out in the end.  It’s not my responsibility to figure out how it will happen, thankfully.  But it is my responsibility to love my son unconditionally and support him no matter what. And that’s what I intend to do.

This amazing son of mine has taught me so many things in the past year, the most important of which is unconditional love.  To say that my mind has been expanded would be an understatement. I’ve learned so much about LGBTQ issues and I know that sexual orientation isn’t a choice, it’s something you’re born with. I’ve learned the importance of putting yourself in another’s shoes when you don’t understand them.   I’ve learned that family comes first no matter what.  I’ve been humbled by the unexpected support and unconditional love from those in our community. I’ve learned that there’s strength in being honest even when it’s uncomfortable. I’ve learned that we’re all in this together and the beauty that comes with sharing life’s challenges whatever they may be. I’ve gained a greater appreciation for owning your own beliefs.

This past year I’ve found a community of mothers going through similar struggles who are stellar examples of unconditional love.  I have a new appreciation and love for the LGBTQ community, especially the youth in the LDS Church who struggle to reconcile their place in their families and their religion. These kids are courageous, fabulously talented, beautiful people and I count myself lucky to be the mother of one of them.